theDude5B
Cool member
+804|7058
you may have heard this before, but here it is anyway.

A couple are attending an art exhibition at the national art gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the black men had black penises but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realised that the confused couple were having trouble interpreting the painting so offered his services and assessment.

He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a pro-dominantly white patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and social oppression expressed by gay men in a contempary society.

After the curator left, a Scotsman approached the couple and asked them if they would like to know what the painting is really about. The couple asked him why he thought he would know more about the painting than the curator of the gallery?

The Scotsman said because he was the one who painted the picture. In fact there is no African American representation what so ever. They’re just three Scottish coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.
joker3327
=IBF2=
+305|6906|Cheshire. UK
The Pond

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He
had  a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming,
so he fixed  it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep
end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast
-[Silver.Inc*
BF2s AU Server Admin
+315|6888|Melbourne, Australia.
This one takes a bit of thinking...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
joker3327
=IBF2=
+305|6906|Cheshire. UK
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."
joker3327
=IBF2=
+305|6906|Cheshire. UK
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong dearest?" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"

"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"
joker3327
=IBF2=
+305|6906|Cheshire. UK
OK last one

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.

The moral of the story is: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
joker3327
=IBF2=
+305|6906|Cheshire. UK
I lied this is the last one.......:-))

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yeah, my wife..."
Pug
UR father's brother's nephew's former roommate
+652|6850|Texas - Bigger than France
This drunk guy walks up to a girl in a bar.

"Oh my, you have the best ass I've ever seen.  I'd like to squeeze it."

She gasps "I need to warn you - my boyfriend is at the bar drinking, he'll kick your ass.  He plays hockey."

"Oh my, you have the best set of boobs I've ever seen.  I'd like to rub my face in them."

She gasps "I'm going getting my boyfriend, he's going to beat you into a pulp."

So the drunk says "No wait, what I would really like to do is hold you upside down and drink a beer out of your tweeter."

Horrified and angry she runs to her boyfriend at the bar.

"You see that drunk guy over there?  He said he wants to squeeze my ass."

So the guy rolls up one sleeve and starts out of his chair.

"No wait, he also said he wanted to rub his face in my chest."

So he rolls up the other sleeve and begins to ball his fists.

Stopping him one more time she says, "But wait, he said he really, really wants to turn me upside down and drink a beer out of my tweeter."

So the big, burly hockey playing boyfriend says, "Oh."  He sits down and returns to his beer like nothing happened.

Confused she asks, "Aren't you going to kick his ass?"

"No, I don't fuck with people who can drink that much beer."
Kaosdad
Whisky Tango Foxtrot?
+201|6987|Broadlands, VA
A guy walks into a bar.......

He orders five Martinis.  The bartender says "OK" and mixes one up and puts it on the bar.

"No," says the guy, "I want all five lined right up."

The bartender lines up four more.  The guy grabs the first one tosses it over his shoulder.  The drinks back the next three, grabs the fifth and tosses it over his shoulder.

"WTF???!!!!" Yells the barkeep.  "I make the dest damn martinis in the city and you toss'em over your shoulder, what is your issue?"

The guy looks up and says "Wellllll......the firsht one always tates lousy aaaaaannnnndddd the lasht one always makes you drunk!!!!!!"

**plop**
Kaosdad
Whisky Tango Foxtrot?
+201|6987|Broadlands, VA
Three Problems Solved:
1) Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
2) Take the dirt and raise the levys in New Orleans.
3) Put those Florida alligators that've been eating people in the moat.

Any other problems you need me to solve?


---
Breaking news...

A British company is developing small computer chips that can store music in women's breasts.

This is considered a major breakthrough since women complain about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Jinto-sk
Laid Back Yorkshireman
+183|6899|Scarborough Yorkshire England
There is a man sitting in a bar, he keeps spitting on the floor and saying fuck she can drive, fuck she can drive. The barman says "what's up mate" and the man replies
" I was hitchhiking from Scarborough to Whitby, when a beautiful lady in a farrari pulls over and offered me a lift, we got talking about her car, and she said " I can drive this car round dead man's curve at 40mph" " no no not possible everyone has to slow to 20mph to get round that corner" I said, so the lady said "ok I'll make a bet with you, we drive round dead man's curve at 40mph if we crash and both survive then you can have sex with me everyday for the rest of our lives and if we make it round dead mans curve then you have to shave off your pubes and eat them in a sandwich"
Man spit's on thr floor and says "FUCK SHE CAN DRIVE"
uber73
Member
+188|7060|Brisbane
Wife talking to husband says that she wants a boob job.. 

Husband - "Try wiping a little tissue paper between your breasts for a few months, see how that helps".

Wife [confused] - "Why?"

Husband - "Well, u have been using it when wiping your arse for all these years, and look at the size it has become"
Burning_Monkey
Moving Target
+108|7145
A guy walks into a bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey.  The bartender says "What is the occasion?"  The man replies "My first blow job."  To this the bartender says "Well hell, have one more on the house."


The guy looks at the bartender with a sad face and says "No thanks, if twenty shots won't wash the taste out, I don't think 21 is going to do it either."
Jinto-sk
Laid Back Yorkshireman
+183|6899|Scarborough Yorkshire England
A blind man walks into a bar stands in the middle of the pub and swings his guide dog round his head 3 times.
puts the dog down and goes upto the bar
the bar man says" what were you doing" and the blind man says
"just having a look round"

Board footer

Privacy Policy - © 2025 Jeff Minard