Jackabo
Member
+127|6866|Dublin, Ireland
give us the funniest jokes you can find. karma for bad and good jokes -1 for bad +1 for good

ill start with the obvious

why did the chicken cross the road, to get to the other side.
andy12
Banned
+52|6965
What do Micheal Jackson and Xbox have in common,they're both made of plastic and children turn them on.
Jenspm
penis
+1,716|7040|St. Andrews / Oslo

Haha ROFL!
https://static.bf2s.com/files/user/26774/flickricon.png https://twitter.com/phoenix/favicon.ico
Jackabo
Member
+127|6866|Dublin, Ireland
:l
Sydney
2λчиэλ
+783|7151|Reykjavík, Iceland.
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Kurazoo
Pheasant Plucker
+440|6992|West Yorkshire, U.K
lmao PBAsydney
Kurazoo
Pheasant Plucker
+440|6992|West Yorkshire, U.K
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman, lost in the desert, thirtsy and hungry.
A fairy comes along and wishes them one wish each,
The English man wishes for a crate of fruit...ping! he gets it,
The scottish man wishes for a crate of water...Ping! he gets it,
The Irish man wishes for a car door...ping! he gets it,
The scots and english man say, "What the hell did u wish that for!"
The Irish man replys "So i can wind down the window when it gets hot" !!!!!!!!!
Kung Jew
That one mod
+331|7053|Houston, TX
Jump in here and give Boomer, myself and all the other contributors all the karma you'd like.



KJ
Sydney
2λчиэλ
+783|7151|Reykjavík, Iceland.
How fucked up is this

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Smogzy
Member
+-1|6848|Great Britain
What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?

Run like fuck. He`s got a grenade in his mouth.
Ty
Mass Media Casualty
+2,398|7082|Noizyland

This is a stupid word joke.

"A stich in time saves nine."

I once was a reporter. I mostly wrote on human interest stories, you know the kind that isn't real news. I was reporting on a shaving competition which occurred every year. The current champion was aiming to break the old world record of how many cutomers he could shave within ten minutes.
A half-hour before the competition started the large man was incredibly distressed, "My shaving brush! I cannot find it," he fretted. I suspected foul play. The brush itself was a well-used article which the man insisted was the key to his shaving successes. It was made fromfine white feathers, and the man insisted that feathers were the only way to properly apply lather to his customers' faces.
Although we looked solidly for ten minutes, (and there wern't many places it could have been lost,) some quick thinking was needed.
I rang a friend at the Zoo who had helped me with a story earlier. "Is there any way we can get some soft long white feathers from you?"
He didn't ask why, but said he had an Ostrich whose feathers were indeed soft, long and white. I asked him if there was any chance he could rip some off it's tail and give them to me. He insisted it was impossible. Panicking I asked him to bring the bird down to the arena regardless. He obliged and the bird was there within five minutes.
The bird thankfully, was incredibly cooperative. I tied up it's tail feathers to create a crude brush for the potentially record-breaking bBarber. He was less than thrilled with his new brush, but as he had no alternative, accepted and thanked me as we positioned the large bird ready by the first nervous looking customer.

Well. The contest went by in a blur. Our friend who had lost his shaving brush was incredible. He didn't just break the old record, he shattered it. I'll never forget the headline I wrote in the next day's paper.

"Ostrich and twine shaves nine."
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Heh heh. Not funny funny, more funny strange.
[Blinking eyes thing]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/tzyon
FAF-Teeje
Member
+47|6851
why did the chicken cross the road.............

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