While I would like to pretend to be modest, I must admit my qualifications in order to establish my professional background. Crackers, biscuits, or saltines, in whatever manner you profess to describe them, are my specialty. No, I did not receive formal training, but years of experience have earned me a reputation within the cracker industry. Those of you who have read cracker-related literature likely know me as one of the greatest consumers in the industry today. Despite what the products have done to my body, which lacks muscle mass at all due to the nutrition of crackers, it has made me the man I am today.
In my professional opinion, I am to hereby state that the majority of you lack the proper taste buds to truly enjoy a cracker, or perhaps only a cheese-related one. By and far, I will prefer a Cheese Nip to a Cheez-It, which while tremendously tasty (as all crackers are), lacks the special touch of a Cheese Nip. Now, perhaps it is that you all have rather ordinary lineage, or that you simply have not evolved yourselves properly, but something must be wrong with you all.
I did down a box of Cheese Nips today, and I am quite satisfied. If it were not for budget constraints that prevent me from spending my entire income on crackers, I would do just that. However, medical opinion seems to disagree with me just as harshly as my accountant does. But, you might have the freedom to do so. I encourage you all to go out and spend as much as you can on crackers. Without your financial support, we cannot advance our industry to great new heights. I suggest you all go out and purchase the greatest cracker ever devised: Premium Plus Soda Cracker. Do not crumble it in soup, nor put toppings on it. Instead, enjoy it to the fullest. I know I will, with a package or two tonight.