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Old but it still makes me laugh !

Perfect day for a Woman

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh 5 lb. lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife has gained 30 lb.
1:00 Shopping with friends
3:00 Nap
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror
7:00 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
9:30 Hot shower. Alone.
10:00 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms


Perfect Day for a Man

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Drive mint condition '63 Corvette 30 miles to airport
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell & 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin -1249 lb.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Kathy Ireland
7:00 Watch CNN News flash. Clinton resigns
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Go to bed
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep

Pick Up Lines:

These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults...

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

I like every bone in your body especially mine.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?

Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?

Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.

Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.

Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.

If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays

If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!

I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

If you were a car door I would slam you all night long

Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out

Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile. Nice shirt.... wanna fuck?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

Can I have fries with that shake!

I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.

You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.

Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?

If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?

Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.

Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.

Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.

My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!

I'd look good on you.

When does your centerfold come out.

So do ya wanna see something really swell?

I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?

I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.

Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.

Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?

I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.

You have nice legs. What time do they open?

Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?

Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.

Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!

Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.

You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.

Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!

Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.

If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?

Last edited by sergeriver (2006-09-23 05:59:09)

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated
side by side on the plane.

The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said,
"So, where ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From
a place where they know better than to use a preposition
at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and
then replied,
"So, where ya'll from, BITCH?"

Some guys went over to a recruitment office for secret agents.
Secret agents are supposed to be smart, daring and not showing emotions.
So they had to pass some exams. After doing the written exam there was a practical one.
The examinator handed a shotgun to the first guys and sent him into an adjacent room with the order to kill everybody in there.
A minute later the guy came out crying telling he couldn't do it.
That happened over and over for several guys until the last one went in.
After a few seconds there was a 'pawww', two seconds silence and then again 'paww, paww, pawww'.
Again a few seconds silence and then 'aaaarrrggghhhhhh'
The guy came out, completely covered with sweat and cursing.
Yelling at the examinator: 'What noob did load that shotgun; there were blanks in it. Had to strangle my wife barehanded, damn!

Two best friends, Mr. Elephant and Mr. Mouse were walking in the forest on a small path, when suddenly Mr. Elephant trips and falls down a deep pit. As you know, elephants are the only mammals that can't jump, so Mr. Elephant was in deep poo-poo..

-"Mr Mouse!", Mr. Elephant shouted, "I've fallen and I can't get up!"
-"No problem, Mr. Elephant. Help shall arrive!", Mr. Mouse replied, as that's what friends are for!

Mr. Mouse then ran to his luxury house at the edge of the woods to get his Mercedes S500 4Matic and some rope. After 15 minutes, he had returned as pulled Mr. Elephant up from the pit.

They drove back to Mr. Mouses' house together, and when they arrived, Mr Elephant said:

-"You know, our sunday walk was annoyingly interrupted by that incident.."
-"It sure was, Mr. Elephant. Let's go for another little walk into the forest!", Mr. Mouse replied.

As they were walking along the same path, without looking down, Mr. Mouse fell into the very same pit as Mr. Elephant had fallen into, just an hour earlier.

-"Mr. Elephant!", Mr. Mouse shouted from the bottom of the pit "Help me up!"
-"No problem!", Mr. Elephant answered, and rolled out his massive penis. "Climb up using this!"
-"Gee, thanks, Mr. Elephant!" said Mr. Mouse. "I sure am lucky to have you as a friend!"

The two friends then proceeded to continue their afternoon walk.

Moral of the story:

If you have a massive dick, you don't need a fancy car to prove yourself

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHEEE Keep 'em coming Sergeriver

savage022269 wrote:

And finally......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Hahaha.

1-Little Tommy on a farm runs indoors "mummy, mummy, the bull's fucking the cow"!
"No Tommy, you must be polite and say that the bull is surprising the cow"!
Later Tommy runs in again, "mummy, the bull's surprising all the cows"!
"No Tommy, the bull can't surprise all the cows"!
"Yes he can, he's fuckking the horse"!!!!

2-There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

3-A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

4-A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians."
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says...
"We invented sex."
The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true -- but it was Italians who introduced it to women."

Last edited by sergeriver (2006-09-08 14:38:25)

How do you fit 4 gay guys on a stool?


- Turn it over...


bad i know. (please no negative karma)

A priest as he walks on a road,saw a little boy try to reach a door bell.
The door bell is hight,the boy is small so the priest decide to help him.
He lift him and the boy hit the door bell.As he let him down,the boy starts laughing.
-"And now what?",said the priest.
-"And now we run"...




The orgasm in five ways:
1)Sensational(Oh,yeah baby)
2)Geographical (Here,here)
3)Religion (Oh my God)
4)Suicide(Im dying)
5)Murder(If you finish ill kill you)





Noez Ark has a pair of each animal...
Theres a little frog asks everyday
"What are we gonna eat today"
This continued for dayz so Noe decided to answer the frog...
-"Today we gonna eat a little green animal with a big mouth"
-"Pour little crocodile..."

Last edited by kardinalios (2006-09-08 16:55:28)

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes across a small two storey house. Knocking on the door, he is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. "I'm lost" said the young man, "Can I please stay here for the night?"

"Certainly" the old man replied, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok" the young man agreed confidently, thinking that the daughter must be old as well, and entered. Over dinner, the daughter came down stairs . She was young, beautiful and had a great figure. She was obviously also interested in him, as she couldn't keep her eyes off him. However he remembered the old man's warning, and reluctantly avoided her gaze.

After dinner the young man went upstairs to his bedroom. However he couldn't sleep as he couldn't stop thinking about the daughter. So he waited until midnight, then snuck quietly into the daughter's room and they spent the next few hours in each other's arms.

Near dawn, happy but exhausted, he crept back to his room and fell asleep. Waking up at noon, the young man felt a heavy burden on his chest. He opened his eyes and saw a large boulder on his chest. Attached to it was a note saying "Chinese Torture 1: Rock on chest."

The man thinks "This is pretty crappy for the worst tortures known to man" and took the rock and threw it from the window.

Suddenly, he caught a glimpse of another note, attached to the bedside table. Reading it, it said "Chinese Torture 2: Left testicle tied to rock"

The young man gasped, watched the rope to the rock grow taut, and assessing the situation, he quickly decided that a few broken bones beat being castrated. So the young man threw himself out of the window after the boulder.

And it was then, at that very moment, that he caught a glimpse of a large sign on the ground outside which read "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost"

Last edited by Vub (2006-09-09 23:29:37)

A canadian is eating croissants for breakfast along with jelly. An american with chewing gum in his mouth walks in.  The American says "do Canadians eat all the bread?"  The canadian says "yes".  The american says we dont, we eat only the inside and then recycle to crust and sell it to Canada.  The american then said,  "do you use jelly with your bread". The canadian said "yes".  The american said "well we eat fresh fruit, and recycle the peels and waste and cell it to canada as jelly".  The Canadian then got pissed and noticed the americans gum in his mouth.  The canadian said "do you have sex in America?"...the american said "hell yeah"...the canadian then said "what do you do with the condoms you use?"  The American said "we throw them out".  The Canadian said "well we dont, when were done with condoms we recycle them, melt them so they can be chewed and sell it to america as chewing gum"