Superior Mind
(not macbeth)
+1,755|7010
I plan to make a short film about three Russian soldiers who are fighting in Chechnya in 1999. I want this film to show how un-glorious war is. And people who you want to be heros may just die with out anyone caring. Here is the script. Please no flaming, just constructive critisism.

INT. DARK ROOM - NIGHT

The date is November of 1999. Misha, Dima, and Pavel sit in a room getting their shit together somewhere in the southern part of the Chechen Republic of Ichkeria. 

DIMA
(Loading his AK47)
Dawn, we have to start moving again at dawn.

MISHA
(Putting on his belt)
Alright.

PAVEL
(Putting on gloves)
Do you think they are still following us?

DIMA
I doubt it. We lost the Chechens about a kilometer ago.

PAVEL
(Putting down his helmet)
So then why don't we stay here, and try contacting someone. We are at a high altitude here; the radio may work when the clouds pass.

MISHA
Maybe he's right Dima.

DIMA
No! We have to keep moving, we're to close them, and we haven't even left their territory yet.

PAVEL
Then where are we gonna to go?

MISHA and PAVEL look at DIMA with questioning looks.

DIMA
The map shows some kind of building, maybe we can hide out there. It is just outside of Chechnya, in Georgia. If we make it there I will feel safe about using the radio. Here the Chechens may pick up or signal, and then we would be fucked.

MISHA
How far is the building?

DIMA
About nineteen kilometers. We can make it in two or three days if we have good weather.

PAVEL
OK, I guess we can try. I just hope we don't run into any more enemies...All we have left is one rifle...and two pistols.


DIMA
Let’s sleep. And Pavel, shut up...

EXT. FOREST – DAY

The trio walks wearily through a forest. They are tired and haven’t seen a shower in months.

MISHA
(Jokingly talking, trying to keep up the moral)
Maybe this shit will end by the year 2000. Maybe the world will end and we will all be free.

DIMA
God willing

PAVEL
When we get the fuck out of here I am going to quit the fucking Spetsnaz and move to a shitty apartment in Moscow where I will watch the TV and complain about our president and reminisce about the good ol’ days of the Union.

DIMA
If only I could imagine such wonderful dreams Pasha…

PAVEL
(Jokingly)
Fuck you.

MISHA
(Crouching)
Shhh!

DIMA
(Crouching)
What is it?

MISHA
SHH! Stay the fuck the down! I heard something.

A bird flies off in the distance.

PAVEL
(Shoots at the bird, startled, tired and scared.)

DIMA
Pasha, u moron! What the fuck is wrong with you?!

PAVEL
Fuck, sorry

MISHA
You complete idiot, no doubt some mother fucker heard us. Ahhh…you idiot. I should fucking gut you.

PAVEL
Calm the hell down, no one heard us.

DIMA
Pavel, shut up while you still have a God damn tongue.

PAVEL
Hey, screw you Dima, who the fuck made you boss?

DIMA
My rank that’s who now shut the fuck up.

A shot is heard. PAVEL falls to the ground, dead. MISHA and DIMA crouch.

MISHA
OH FUCK!

DIMA
(On first reaction he punches Pavel in the stomach)
Fuck you, you piece of shit!
(He spits on PAVEL, crying)
Get up now, we have to move!

MISHA and DIMA run as fast as they can blindly into the woods. Sweat and Pavel’s blood soak their faces. They finally take cover in a ditch.

DIMA
(Tears run down his face, brown from the dirt caked on his face.)
God damn him. Why did he shoot that gun? All those fucking years of training in the Spetsnaz and he shoots at a bird.

MISHA
Oh crap…we’re dead.

DIMA
No…we just need to keep moving. Hey, (looking at MISHA’s arm) what’s that?

MISHA
It’s nothing.

DIMA
No, your bleeding, what happened?

MISHA
The bullet clipped my arm.

DIMA
Clipped? You look like a bear bit at your arm.

MISHA
I’ll be fine.

DIMA
Well wrap it up, we need to move.

We see time lapse as they walk through the woods. Several hours pass. Cut to a close up of MISHA looking at his wound. It is black and infected. He does not tell DIMA, because he doesn’t want to concern him. DIMA is still wrecked over PAVEL’s death.

EXT. WOODS – MORNING

The two soldiers wake up.

DIMA
Come on MISHA, we need to get moving, only 10 kilometers left.
(He walks over to MISHA)

MISHA lays dead, his lips blue, skin white.

DIMA
Misha… (He lifts up his sleeve)

MISHA’s arm is extremely infected.

DIMA
(Tears coming on)
Ah…fuck…only 10 kilometers left…only 10 kilometers left…
We see DIMA walking by himself through the woods. He comes to the end of the woods. Across what looks like an old air strip, he sees the building from the map. He runs to it carrying the radio that was on MISHA’s back. He opens the door. A Chechen soldier turns around and sees DIMA. DIMA is shot dead. We cut to a close up of a post card that DIMA was holding. It reads:

Dear Tanya,

    I miss you so much. If you get this postcard then that means that I am not coming home. Misha, Dima, and I have been wandering through southern Chechnya for about a month. We were separated from our unit back in October. We are going to be in Georgia hopefully by the end of this week. I can’t wait to see you again. No bullet will stop me from coming home.

                                             I love you, Pavel 

Credits role

Last edited by Superior Mind (2006-08-21 00:47:34)

Home
Section.80
+447|7165|Seattle, Washington, USA

Pretty good, the only thing I have to critisize is in the beginning, when they are all in the building debating whether or not they should wait there, and Dima says they need to keep moving, but then he says "Let's sleep". Didn't really get that. And how do you plan on making this? Do you have a budget?

Last edited by Homeschtar (2006-08-21 00:59:46)

Wasder
Resident Emo Hater
+139|6992|Moscow, Russia
Wow, not that bad. I've got a lot to input in this one.

First, the soldier reloads his AK-74 you could also describe a tremendous ambush in which the entire mechanized company gets wiped out, except for these soldiers.
Poor guys should have killed some enemy soldiers before they all get shot. Some grenade launcher fire can be suitable... And a trained soldier shooting a bird (even if he's nervous) doesn't sound right.

Did you by chance see a last year russian movie called "Company 9"?
jkohlc
2142th Whore
+214|6844|Singapore
wow thats touching....
Wasder
Resident Emo Hater
+139|6992|Moscow, Russia
A little more ideas:
One of them escaped with an SVD.
Alternative ending: Dima survives and brings the letter to Pasha's girl. It's raining outside. After she reads, she embraces Dima with tears running down her cheeks saying: "Thank you...thank you!.."
The camera flies out of the window and shows a Moscow street during a heavy rain.
The End
jkohlc
2142th Whore
+214|6844|Singapore
alt ending: DIMA was saved by a fellow spetz in teh airstrip
Dr_3V|L
Member
+51|7042|Twente, The Netherlands
Good concept...
Trel
Member
+70|6994
Hmm...

I'm not an asshole, promise.

-Swearing does not equal drama.  Swearing more often, using any word more often for that matter, lessens it's impact.  Yes I realize its military, and swearing is rampant.  Now go watch Band of Brothers, one of the greatest dramatic shows ever made, and sure they swear, but not in nearly every sentence.

-Frankly, I don't care about the characters.  They get killed, and they are upset when others die.  But as a reader (viewer) I just don't care about them.  In order for death, love, fear, anything, happening to a character to have an impact on a viewer, that viewer has to care about that character, even if it's only a little bit.This passage is a prefect example, and there needs to be more in order to formulate your characters better.

Superior Mind wrote:

PAVEL
When we get the fuck out of here I am going to quit the fucking Spetsnaz and move to a shitty apartment in Moscow where I will watch the TV and complain about our president and reminisce about the good ol’ days of the Union.
-That postcard at the end also is our only insight into any of their backgrounds.  This is also important in development.

-Personally, I know very little about this conflict.  As far as I can tell, the people killed were rebel scum killing innocents.  This needs to be addressed.  Which can easily be done in developing character.

I love film and writing, and its what I'm working to make my future in.  Don't take this post the wrong way, and keep at it.  PM me if you ever want any advice/second reading.

-Trel

-EDIT-

Ok, read it again, and the postcard at the end brings a lot into light about their situation.  But it comes just a bit too late I think.  Twists and new information at the end are important, don't get me wrong.  When writing, I get no greater joy than seeing 'WTF' looks on peoples faces when they are done reading.  Not M. Night Shamalan wtf's, "Donnie Darko" wtf's, mind you.

But that twist has no impact if the characters it affects leave no impression on me.

Last edited by Trel (2006-08-21 01:46:15)

Good to be back.
Wasder
Resident Emo Hater
+139|6992|Moscow, Russia

Trel wrote:

-Frankly, I don't care about the characters.  They get killed, and they are upset when others die.  But as a reader (viewer) I just don't care about them.  In order for death, love, fear, anything, happening to a character to have an impact on a viewer, that viewer has to care about that character, even if it's only a little bit. This passage is a prefect example, and there needs to be more in order to formulate your characters better.
Yeah, exactly. If you want people to actually care about characters, you've got to give some background.
Dr_3V|L
Member
+51|7042|Twente, The Netherlands
Don't forget it's a short movie
Choclot
Member
+21|6860
I know its  a short film and you might not have the budget, but how about the last guy puts up a massive last stand and after taking down a few hundred or so soldiers, gets dramatically shot. also more background but its very good.
jkohlc
2142th Whore
+214|6844|Singapore

Choclot wrote:

I know its  a short film and you might not have the budget, but how about the last guy puts up a massive last stand and after taking down a few hundred or so soldiers, gets dramatically shot. also more background but its very good.
or being shot in the back and falling down while clutching the letter/postcard/whatever crap that is and the paper/card/etc. falls out and the camer pans towards to show whats written on it and then pans back and DIMA dies with hes eyes open
Amufarid
Member
+4|6882|Romania

jkohlc wrote:

Choclot wrote:

I know its  a short film and you might not have the budget, but how about the last guy puts up a massive last stand and after taking down a few hundred or so soldiers, gets dramatically shot. also more background but its very good.
or being shot in the back and falling down while clutching the letter/postcard/whatever crap that is and the paper/card/etc. falls out and the camer pans towards to show whats written on it and then pans back and DIMA dies with hes eyes open
Than Dima wakes up....and it was only a nightmare! (that would be funny ) i quess
BF2Craglyeye
Member
+72|6990|Australia
i Agree witht the others.


Some more background, Less swearing, and just something that stuck in my "craw" however trivial.
Dima says at the start
"The map shows some kind of building"

Can we give them a target to head for maybe a an old church, or why wouldnt they know what the building in if they are well trained and know the area, I dunno, just get people picturing where a safe haven might be.

You get my jist.
Superior Mind
(not macbeth)
+1,755|7010
Thank youa ll for your advice. I will tone down on the cursing. And just so you all know, this film will not be in english, i have a lot of Russian friends. There will be english subtitles though. And to those who said I should have diff guns, I don't have those guns. They only Russian airsoft gun I have is an Ak-47. I have some pistols too. I think I will a scene right before they go to sleep, shwoing them looking at pictures of their loved ones. Maybe with some voice over. Also if I actualy do make this movie, then in the furture I will do a BF2 version of it, meaing it will all be done in BF2. In my original plot, Misha dies first, and there is a continuing conflict between the leader, Dima, aand the half wit, Pavel. But to me it seemed to cleshe. I don't want any characters dying gloriously, becasue I want to show the plainess and brutality of war.

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