Q: What do you call a gay man in a wheel chair?
A: Roll Aids
A: Roll Aids
aaaaah i got it after 10 minutes^^ better late than neverMarconius wrote:
So, Nate and Rob are walking through the forest one day. They come across this lever stuck into a rock, with a bronze plaque placed above it. The Bronze plaque read, "If this lever is pulled, the end of the world will occur!"
Rob, being the extreme pessimist of the two, wanted to steer as far away as they could from the lever. Nate, being the more curious, decided to go over and try to pull it. Rob said, "No! Don't pull it! If..if you pull it...I'm gonna shoot you!"
But Nate tried to pull the lever, so Rob shot Nate.
The moral of the story is: Better Nate than Lever.
Your mamma's so fat:
A) every time she turns around its her birthday!
B) she sat on a dollar and 4 quarters popped out
C) she puts on her belt with a boomerang.
D) she bleeds mayonnaise and sweats Mt.dew
E) while on the beach some hippies tried to throw her back in the ocean.
F) she's been banned from all you can eat restaurant's
G) when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house
H) she sat on a rainbow and made skittles.
A) every time she turns around its her birthday!
B) she sat on a dollar and 4 quarters popped out
C) she puts on her belt with a boomerang.
D) she bleeds mayonnaise and sweats Mt.dew
E) while on the beach some hippies tried to throw her back in the ocean.
F) she's been banned from all you can eat restaurant's
G) when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house
H) she sat on a rainbow and made skittles.
I hate chuck Norris jokes, but three make me laugh, even tho they are bad.
Chuck Norris and Mr.T wanted to have a fight. Not wanting to hurt any innocents bystanders, Chuck Norris and Mr. T decided the only safe place for their fight was to travel back in time before the universe was created. Chuck Norris and Mr. T met for their fight, Chuck Norris Round house kicked and Mr. T blocked it, thus causing the "Big Bang".
Chuck Norris ate a 72oz steak in under 1 hour, even tho he spent the first 45 minutes fucking a waitress.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris and Mr.T wanted to have a fight. Not wanting to hurt any innocents bystanders, Chuck Norris and Mr. T decided the only safe place for their fight was to travel back in time before the universe was created. Chuck Norris and Mr. T met for their fight, Chuck Norris Round house kicked and Mr. T blocked it, thus causing the "Big Bang".
Chuck Norris ate a 72oz steak in under 1 hour, even tho he spent the first 45 minutes fucking a waitress.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
A man waits in front of the delivery room, where his pregnant wife gives birth to his child..
After a while a nurse comes out with a child without one arm in her arms. The man shouts: "Holy shit!! Is this my kid??" The nurse replies: "No, yours will come later" Man: "Thank God!!"
10 Minutes later a second nurse comes out with a child without both arms in her arms. The man shouts: "Holy shit!! Is this my kid??" The nurse replies: "No, yours will come later" Man: "Thank God!!"
5 minutes later a third nurse comes out with a child without both arms and both legs in her arms. The man shouts: "Holy shit!! Is this my kid??" The nurse replies: "No, yours will come later" Man: "Thank God!!"
10 minutes later a fourth nurse comes out with a child, without body, just the head... in her arms. The man shouts: "Holy shit!! Is this my kid??" The nurse replies: "No, yours will come later" Man: "Thank God!!
After a while a fifth nurse comes out with a child, without body, without a head... just an eye in her hands. The man shouts: "Holy shit!! Is this my baby??" The nurse replies: "Yes, it is.. i´m sorry"
Man: "Oh, it´s ok.. i... er.. well.. it will be a huge challenge, but god will help me!"
He takes the eye.. "Hi, my dear, i love you...." to the nurse: "can it see me" Nurse: "no, he´s blind"
i laughed the whole day
After a while a nurse comes out with a child without one arm in her arms. The man shouts: "Holy shit!! Is this my kid??" The nurse replies: "No, yours will come later" Man: "Thank God!!"
10 Minutes later a second nurse comes out with a child without both arms in her arms. The man shouts: "Holy shit!! Is this my kid??" The nurse replies: "No, yours will come later" Man: "Thank God!!"
5 minutes later a third nurse comes out with a child without both arms and both legs in her arms. The man shouts: "Holy shit!! Is this my kid??" The nurse replies: "No, yours will come later" Man: "Thank God!!"
10 minutes later a fourth nurse comes out with a child, without body, just the head... in her arms. The man shouts: "Holy shit!! Is this my kid??" The nurse replies: "No, yours will come later" Man: "Thank God!!
After a while a fifth nurse comes out with a child, without body, without a head... just an eye in her hands. The man shouts: "Holy shit!! Is this my baby??" The nurse replies: "Yes, it is.. i´m sorry"
Man: "Oh, it´s ok.. i... er.. well.. it will be a huge challenge, but god will help me!"
He takes the eye.. "Hi, my dear, i love you...." to the nurse: "can it see me" Nurse: "no, he´s blind"
i laughed the whole day
Iron man, you should probably update your signature. False advertising is a crime over here.
A man has two girlfriends, Claire and Loraine. Claire is a really pretty, slim, sexy girl, and Loraine is a corpulent, sweating, beast of a woman. One day he decides to take the two of them to picnic on a 30m cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. They're having lunch, and the guy says:
"Loraine, come here quick!"
Loraine waddles over to where the man is standing on the edge and looks down. Just at this moment, the man pushes her with all his force and sends her falling down into the unrelenting waves below.
He turns around and looks at Claire, and sings:
"I can see Claire now, Loraine is gone..."
A man has two girlfriends, Claire and Loraine. Claire is a really pretty, slim, sexy girl, and Loraine is a corpulent, sweating, beast of a woman. One day he decides to take the two of them to picnic on a 30m cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. They're having lunch, and the guy says:
"Loraine, come here quick!"
Loraine waddles over to where the man is standing on the edge and looks down. Just at this moment, the man pushes her with all his force and sends her falling down into the unrelenting waves below.
He turns around and looks at Claire, and sings:
"I can see Claire now, Loraine is gone..."
What's so great about fucking 28 year olds?
There's 20 of them.
(Works much better spoken)
There's 20 of them.
(Works much better spoken)
That's just wrong...but funny joke nonthelessBertster7 wrote:
What's so great about fucking 28 year olds?
There's 20 of them.
(Works much better spoken)
its so stupid its funny its greatRDMC(2) wrote:
lol, that actually made me laughMarconius wrote:
What's red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.
What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise!
two nuns are walking down a street,
a man walks up to these nuns and flashes himself,
"Hokus pokus" Says the man smiling
"skip the 'hokus' just 'pokus'" retorts one nun.
im soo sorry.
a man walks up to these nuns and flashes himself,
"Hokus pokus" Says the man smiling
"skip the 'hokus' just 'pokus'" retorts one nun.
im soo sorry.
How do you make a sausage roll?
Roll it down a hill
Roll it down a hill
What has the bottom at the top?
The legs!
Did you hear about the car made out of wood?
It wooden go.
The legs!
Did you hear about the car made out of wood?
It wooden go.
A better (imo) version of this:maffiaw wrote:
How do you make a sausage roll?
Roll it down a hill
How do you make a sausage roll?
Push it.
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
The father is first up – he’s carrying a bag which he opens and out trot a herd of geese. There’s about 15 geese in all and they’re fucking hungry let me tell you, oh yes. By now, obviously, the father is lying down on the floor gritting his teeth with his toes pointed – he’s also shuddering slightly. The geese are hopping over his face and naturally he is aroused by their sopping wet love boxes as they gently caress and feather his nose.
“Fuck box, fuck box, fuck box”, he whispers as he builds a steady pumping rhythm with his right hand. In his left hand he’s got some hair gel or something, I don’t know, doesn’t matter really.
He stands up and the geese flock around his privates like ducks flock around a child with bread. Only they’re not ducks – THEY’RE GEESE! And it’s not bread – it’s hot jets of salty wank juice ejaculating from his coughing knackers.
As you can imagine, the geese readily lap up the fluid – there’s plenty to go around.
Some of them are doing a cum swap.
At this point the mother enters and gets off with a few of the geese. She’s pretty laid back about it really. She spreads her legs and, on closer inspection, reveals a colony of whelks, barnacles and clams living around her bollocks. The geese peck at these but shellfish are pretty tough – tough enough to withstand a moderates goose attack anyway.
By now the agent is starting to get tired of geese but he needn’t worry - the father promptly slaughters all of them by cutting their necks.
He hangs them up on a rack and the children play naked in the blood as it showers down on them. Some of the geese, in their death throes, cough up the still-hot love juice that they lapped up only a few minutes ago.
The mother is going fucking mad with a chainsaw on the geese. There’s flesh, guts, beaks, feathers, shit and geese ankles flying everywhere. By now the daughter is completely pregnant from the hard trousering she’s just had administered from her brother. The wicked thing.
The show was going perfectly – a real rip-roarer. That was until it was the dog’s turn. For some reason the dog just got scared and wouldn’t move. It just sat there – weeping into its mittens.
Luckily the father acted quickly and took on the dog’s part as if it was his own.
He squatted down on the floor, put his hands between his legs and dragged himself across the stage wiping his itchy arse as he went. Marvellous!
It was the end of the show.
The family stood in a line and took a bow.
“But what was the encore?” I hear you ask.
Well, the daughter came back on and started singing ‘Tomorrow’, from the musical Annie.
The father shot the stupid fucking bitch right in the face.
“You know I hate that shitting song you total fuck”, he giggled.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
The father is first up – he’s carrying a bag which he opens and out trot a herd of geese. There’s about 15 geese in all and they’re fucking hungry let me tell you, oh yes. By now, obviously, the father is lying down on the floor gritting his teeth with his toes pointed – he’s also shuddering slightly. The geese are hopping over his face and naturally he is aroused by their sopping wet love boxes as they gently caress and feather his nose.
“Fuck box, fuck box, fuck box”, he whispers as he builds a steady pumping rhythm with his right hand. In his left hand he’s got some hair gel or something, I don’t know, doesn’t matter really.
He stands up and the geese flock around his privates like ducks flock around a child with bread. Only they’re not ducks – THEY’RE GEESE! And it’s not bread – it’s hot jets of salty wank juice ejaculating from his coughing knackers.
As you can imagine, the geese readily lap up the fluid – there’s plenty to go around.
Some of them are doing a cum swap.
At this point the mother enters and gets off with a few of the geese. She’s pretty laid back about it really. She spreads her legs and, on closer inspection, reveals a colony of whelks, barnacles and clams living around her bollocks. The geese peck at these but shellfish are pretty tough – tough enough to withstand a moderates goose attack anyway.
By now the agent is starting to get tired of geese but he needn’t worry - the father promptly slaughters all of them by cutting their necks.
He hangs them up on a rack and the children play naked in the blood as it showers down on them. Some of the geese, in their death throes, cough up the still-hot love juice that they lapped up only a few minutes ago.
The mother is going fucking mad with a chainsaw on the geese. There’s flesh, guts, beaks, feathers, shit and geese ankles flying everywhere. By now the daughter is completely pregnant from the hard trousering she’s just had administered from her brother. The wicked thing.
The show was going perfectly – a real rip-roarer. That was until it was the dog’s turn. For some reason the dog just got scared and wouldn’t move. It just sat there – weeping into its mittens.
Luckily the father acted quickly and took on the dog’s part as if it was his own.
He squatted down on the floor, put his hands between his legs and dragged himself across the stage wiping his itchy arse as he went. Marvellous!
It was the end of the show.
The family stood in a line and took a bow.
“But what was the encore?” I hear you ask.
Well, the daughter came back on and started singing ‘Tomorrow’, from the musical Annie.
The father shot the stupid fucking bitch right in the face.
“You know I hate that shitting song you total fuck”, he giggled.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
How can you tell when your girlfriend is enjoying sex???
Who cares.... HAHAHAHAH
Who cares.... HAHAHAHAH
Whats round and nasty?
A vicious circle
Why do pirates tie soap to their backs?
So when they get shipwrecked they can be washed ashore.
A vicious circle
Why do pirates tie soap to their backs?
So when they get shipwrecked they can be washed ashore.
Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her Head & Shoulders in the dashboard.
Putting your faith in EA is like putting your faith in Enron...
They found her Head & Shoulders in the dashboard.
Putting your faith in EA is like putting your faith in Enron...
What's the sound that a baby makes after it's been in the microwave for 20 minutes?
I don't know - I was too busy jerking off.
I don't know - I was too busy jerking off.
Why does a chicken coup have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
Because if it had four doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
Here's the southpark version. Always makes me chuckle.SkoobyDu wrote:
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
The father is first up – he’s carrying a bag which he opens and out trot a herd of geese. There’s about 15 geese in all and they’re fucking hungry let me tell you, oh yes. By now, obviously, the father is lying down on the floor gritting his teeth with his toes pointed – he’s also shuddering slightly. The geese are hopping over his face and naturally he is aroused by their sopping wet love boxes as they gently caress and feather his nose.
“Fuck box, fuck box, fuck box”, he whispers as he builds a steady pumping rhythm with his right hand. In his left hand he’s got some hair gel or something, I don’t know, doesn’t matter really.
He stands up and the geese flock around his privates like ducks flock around a child with bread. Only they’re not ducks – THEY’RE GEESE! And it’s not bread – it’s hot jets of salty wank juice ejaculating from his coughing knackers.
As you can imagine, the geese readily lap up the fluid – there’s plenty to go around.
Some of them are doing a cum swap.
At this point the mother enters and gets off with a few of the geese. She’s pretty laid back about it really. She spreads her legs and, on closer inspection, reveals a colony of whelks, barnacles and clams living around her bollocks. The geese peck at these but shellfish are pretty tough – tough enough to withstand a moderates goose attack anyway.
By now the agent is starting to get tired of geese but he needn’t worry - the father promptly slaughters all of them by cutting their necks.
He hangs them up on a rack and the children play naked in the blood as it showers down on them. Some of the geese, in their death throes, cough up the still-hot love juice that they lapped up only a few minutes ago.
The mother is going fucking mad with a chainsaw on the geese. There’s flesh, guts, beaks, feathers, shit and geese ankles flying everywhere. By now the daughter is completely pregnant from the hard trousering she’s just had administered from her brother. The wicked thing.
The show was going perfectly – a real rip-roarer. That was until it was the dog’s turn. For some reason the dog just got scared and wouldn’t move. It just sat there – weeping into its mittens.
Luckily the father acted quickly and took on the dog’s part as if it was his own.
He squatted down on the floor, put his hands between his legs and dragged himself across the stage wiping his itchy arse as he went. Marvellous!
It was the end of the show.
The family stood in a line and took a bow.
“But what was the encore?” I hear you ask.
Well, the daughter came back on and started singing ‘Tomorrow’, from the musical Annie.
The father shot the stupid fucking bitch right in the face.
“You know I hate that shitting song you total fuck”, he giggled.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/so … crats.html
Your mama is so black, when see stepped out of the car the oil light turned on.
Co-work told that one to me the other day.
Co-work told that one to me the other day.
Calmy explain to these people that homophobia isnt far from racism.....WilhelmSissener wrote:
Ban this faggot who can't tell what a joke is.Cold Fussion wrote:
Ban this racist faggot.J3ST3R wrote:
Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
He doesn't know he's black
we all need hugs now and then?
2nd EDIT; I just edited this on February 23, 2008. For the hell of it.
Last edited by RoosterCantrell (2008-02-23 00:28:03)
It's a best WORST JOKE thread.... It's all done in humor.RoosterCantrell wrote:
Calmy explain to these people that homophobia isnt far from racism.....WilhelmSissener wrote:
Ban this faggot who can't tell what a joke is.Cold Fussion wrote:
Ban this racist faggot.
we all need hugs now and then?
Why don't Jews eat pussy?
It's too close to the gas chamber
two drunks walk out of a bar and see a dog sitting there licking its balls
Drunk 1 "I wish I could do that"
Drunk 2 "You should start by petting him"
Drunk 1 "I wish I could do that"
Drunk 2 "You should start by petting him"
on the first day God created the world and rested and the second day he created man and rested on the third day he created woman and since then neith God nor man has rested